YOU

just thought I'd write a quick post since its been really long.
I cant believe an year has passed since I moved to Bombay to study and met the best person ever...

I cant ever tell you what you mean to me and in how many different ways you have touched my life....
from the hours spent in the main quad , the trips to the doctor, random dinner cooking, the trips to Lonavala, the Pune weekend, the nights spent studying, the time at the flat, the trips to Bandra, the random dinners, the midnight walks and talks, the big fights, the arguments and the madness that follows post these, the crazy conversations everything has been amazing...

I love you sweetheart and miss being away from you for this time...

just for you

Its been so long since I have wanted to update this space...
things have changed...I have moved on literally and metaphorically.

Moved to a new world....a new playing field...where all seems alien and yet so close.
A world which one dreamt of....a world too good to be true...

over and done with the earlier factor forever...lil did i know what was in store for me as I spread my wings to another city...

I am glad i made the move and that I met you. Couldn't have asked for anything better... the last four months have been amazing...
I have never experienced life as I am with you around, your madness, your moods, your understanding,your warmth, your being there. Thank you...

From the midnight tapri walks, to the times in the main quad, the bandstand trips, the crazy auto rides, the nights at the shack, the quick escapes to my place, the endless dinners, the trips to Lonavala and mahabs... the list in the last four months is endless....

cheers to this new life and this precious person in my life...

contradiction

A friend just asked me to read his blog....His first post....

http://another-bites-the-dust.blogspot.com/

And for some odd reason it pissed me off.
It pissed me off to see him place women who had moved on because a particalar relationship didnt work for her as the twistee.
He categorised the woman who was open about her sexuality and self as the Twistee.
Its not easy for men to deal with this woman...who questions norms of gender as defined by society and their cultures.
As progressive as they claim to be,it is still a big blow to their ego.
And as progressive as we claim to be...we are all just as chauvanistic.

Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, "She doesn't have what it takes." They will say, "Women don't have what it takes." ~Clare Boothe Luce

when it all seems weird.....

its been a week since the last term of college began...in its true mad form....i will miss mah class mates so much...but I am looking forward to moving on.
Have a test this weekend for which I know nothing.....THIS SHOULD BE FUN!!!!
And a controversy had broken out in our department as Nan got the prize....
Anyways I am in a pensive mood and need to break out of this monotony as soon as possible.....
I need to move out....stay on mah own...maybe work for a few years...I dunno....:-S
NEED A CHANGE.
In a random mood again...will write later.

independent.

You Are Independent Sexy

You drive men crazy with your "playing hard to get act" Except, it's really not an act at all. You're a strong, sexy woman with her own life and interests. And that makes men even more interested in you!

What Kind of Sexy Girl Are You?

real?

You Are 89% Real

There's hardly a person on this earth more real than you are. You have no problem showing people who you are, flaws and all. For you, there couldn't be any other way. Because it's way too stressful to live an inauthentic life. You're very comfortable with yourself. And because of this, you're able to live an exciting, interesting, and challenging life.

How Real Are You?

December madness.

I have exams...midterms...yet again...
and I am not studying...

god help me...

And the last two thee mnths have been crazy with all the performances...the rehearsals...the metro rides...Bhopal trip...polka madness...big chill lunches ....
meeting up with olg frnds...bleh.leh.bleh.
I am off to bbay at the end of the mnth and Ahmdbad too...yipppee!!!

Enough frivilousness....

And a friend discovered mah log....:-S

I feel old....

You Should Be a Social Worker

You are deeply caring and empathetic. You are able to take on other people's problems as if they were your own. Sensitive and intuitive, you understand human emotions well. Helping others gives you the most joy in life. You feel like it's your purpose in life. You do best when you: - Have a lot of responsibility - Greatly impact someone's life with your work You would also be a good philanthropist or stay at home parent.

What Should You Be When You Grow Up?

BLUE FLOWER.

You Are a Blue Flower

A blue flower tends to represent peace, openness, and balance. At times, you are very delicate like a cornflower. And at other times, you are wise like an iris. And more than you wish, you're a little cold, like a blue hydrangea.

What Color Flower Are You?

Now someone knows....

Your Love Life is Like Titanic

"Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless." You think that you only really have one true love in your life. And that you better to anything and everything to be with that person. You tend to be very nostalgic about past loves that didn't work out. There are many secret feelings that you keep to yourself. Your love style: Deep and emotional Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Bittersweet

What Movie Is Your Love Life Like?

So there you go....

You Are A Maple Tree

There's not anyone in this world quite like you. You are full of imagination, ambition, and originality. Shy but confident, you hunger for new experiences. You have a good memory and learn easily. You are sometimes nervous and always complex (especially in love).

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

told ya I am a city girl....

You are a City Girl!

Whether you live in the city or not, you've got the heart of a city girl. You're up on the latest trends - what's hot in music, food, and fashion. And you love to be on the go. Your perfect day is filled with tons of fun. Your perfect guy is a city guy, so head to LA, NYC, Sydney, or London to find him!

What Kind of Girl Are You?

and can you believe this???????

Your Toes Should Be Pink

You love to dress girly and work your feminine charms, with a bit of an edge. Your ideal guy: Is confident enough to get any girl he wants Stay away from: Jerks who only see you as eye candy

What Color Should Your Toenails Be?

mah swedish man

You Should Date A Swede!

You're a romantic, albeit an understated and practical one. It's more about a steady partnership for you, not unrestrained falling Your Swede will give you the unwavering love you crave While making up some mean pancakes and meatballs on the side!

Which Foreign Guy Should You Date?

on being feminine

You Are 70% Feminine, 30% Masculine

You are in touch with your feminine side. Sensitive, intuitive, and caring are all words that describe you. And you're just masculine enough to relate to both men and women.

Are You Masculine or Feminine?

conforming...huh?

You Are 77% Non Conformist

You are a pretty serious non conformist. You live a life hardly anyone understands. And while some may call you a freak, you're happy with who you are.

Are You a Nonconformist?

To my frnds....

I decided to log all the letters and emails I sent my friends on Friendship Day so here goes!

FIRST
To A
I dont know if I believe in the concept of Friendship Day n all that blah but still i decided to mail u today....Bleh...
I just wanted to thank you for everything and that I would never survive without ur madness around me :-)
I was just thinking about the last couple of years of knowing you and was trully greatful to that Diwali where we spoke randomly n then the craziness that followed...was remembering the year that you wanted to not talk to the reknowing you phase post June 2005 and I am so glad that I bugged you and did bot give up on all this.
From the mad midnight talks in ur 12th....to the crazy M crisis sessions in the last two years...to the great support you were to me without even realising it for the last few years......THANK YOU.
*especially for that crazy night I called you from Baroda*

I wanted to let you know that despite all the takingmytrip.coms.....(hahhaha) to bugging you randomly....I will always be there for you and cherish each day of our being friends....
I have learnt so much from you....right from being strong willed and dedicated to being supersensitive yet tough....
No words can describe how much this means to me....
Now before i make this sound even worse....I shall end...
Love ya loads...



SECOND
Dearest AV
I know your goingto laugh at me for actually writing this on friendships day. Its not rreally like I believe in just one day n blah blah blah but I just decided to mail you this today anyways!
I was just thinkin of how I know you and the whole thought of the couple of months we spoke for hours on the phone came back to me...LOL...
I was just thnking how in the past 4 years things have moved and how you mean the worlld to me...
*now stop thinking to urself ..."OMG y is this woman being so shady and senti" which I am very sure your thinking in ur head right now!*

I wanted to thank you for being there, for all those times I have called you up all mad at the world,for all the D bitchin sessions, for all the times I have made you stay up all late lissening to mah shyte, for all those times I pestered you for a name for 'He who must not be named',for all the crazy dandiya times we met two years back, for the mad rides with ticket to hollywood blaring, for all those crazy book discussion times, to all those Barista times,to all the weird midnight chats....
I trully love you for everything.....

I also wanted to let you know how much it means to me when you tell me to get on with mah life and for making me a more confident person and for teaching me how to say no for myself among a zillion other things.....
And now before you start calling me a mad senti woman I shall end it here...
but Thank you again...
much love



THIRD: To TCS
hhahahahaha.
was laughin sooooooo much when I got ur frandsheep day sms.... but seriously happy frandsheep day to the nicest wacko I know...
I was really hoping that we could have spent time together on mah trip to Baroda....but Barista n the book shop were damn entertaining n fun tooo...

I was juss recallin all the mad phone calls u made to me frm Durgapur...all those times u never slept at all...n how u were the genius who gt the marks without even studyin...*or so u claim*
I juss wanted to thank you for juss being there n mah life...*now stop laughin at the previous line*
Over the past years(OMG I know you for the last 7 years...OMG) you have taught me sooo much....rite from how to lite a join while doin a zillion other things at the same time , to how to modest n humble n nice to people and how to be confident about who I am...you must be wonderin where all this is coming from...but seriously ....All those times that u question me about who I am are times when mah respect for u grow manifold...
Ur an ANGEL...
happy TCS *evil Grin*
n i shall call u soon....
n till then call DS...shes in bbay....
Much lou....

FOURTH:
RIKUNI

Hey...Rikuni
Happy Frandsheep DAy...
I was juss thinking of the past two years the other day and one of the first people who came to mah mind was Rikunieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......
I was looking at the big chill pictures n the rest n was thinking about the mad pre xmas time in Khan market last year....the crazy Pragati maidan gig day...
the innumerable trips to GK...the nite dinner at Big Chill....the NESS MESS sessions....the pre exam blues...the bitching about ppl sessions...the swimming trials where we threw Avni in the pool....the time with Monica Joon in sundernagar market...the crazy rikhil talks..PS bitching...KM sarcasm..the mad lets study talks... n all the crazy times over the two years .
I realised that we had only half a year left and it made me sad....coz there is so much we share n learn and these times wont come back and i just wanted to thank you for being there and for being the same crazy you that you are.
*kidding about the crazy bit*

I have learnt so much from you over the last years...rite from how to give proxy and argue with teachers...to how to be so sensitive yet strong willed...from being all cool to being all sensible....its really true...
THANK YOU again....
ur zeee best...
luv ya loads..
BLAHNESS...

FIFTH:
SNO J
hey....
I know ur goin to laugh when u c this mail on Frnadsheep Day but still I decided to mail you n thank you for being there over the past two years n all the craziness that we went through n will go thru...
I was just thinking how theres only an year left in LSR .....how strange it will be without u, rikuni, Nan, rul etc etc etc n I realised how the class had become such an integral part of mah life....more like an Invisible support system and how over the last year we have become such good friends and all that blah:)
* do not start laughin yet*

I was thinking about the crazy NESS MESS chats...the picture sessions n facebook madness....the blue scarf...crazy santas in khan market before Christmas, Cafe turtle....
the mad pre exam blues...the Nabila Rap..the khan chacha sessions...the book which is brillaint n the poster we tore at bahrisons!......n I realised how much I shall miss all this.....n before i know it.....we will have to move on again...

Anyways before I go on n on...Just wanted to tell u how much you mean to me and that I'll be there for u forever....:-P
Happy Frandsheeep day to u...
much luv

last few days...

my internship is ending and I will go back...
leave behind these last two months and everything that came with them....

I will miss the fun dates...meeting D so often bit....I will miss JJs...Barista .... rides to Sroat...the trip to Pavagrh...the madness in Baria....the AWAg place in Ahmdbad...mad MP3 movie with AV ...the mad conversations over the phone with A...the mad WASIM bhai days n nights... the terrace at fatehgunj...the trip to welcome... the madness with Benny..rmo...books...classic miles....goldflakes...the blue cigarette box..the white altos...the crazy worried grandparents...getting to spend time and know ragini...driving around at night...Mcdonalds....the office keys...3am returns...nayaab....midnight coffee at the Taj....my office....ketki Di...Jahnvi Di... the vodka...Coming back to like...pink floyd.... roses...goodies...ganne ka juice...khandavi...harish...pink boxers... reliving and learnin music... V central...apuuu...the kisses...the drives... samdo samdao... FM...the jeep rides...the mad highway waits...shared autos...emotional interviews...crazy gujju...water crisis..manmohan society...the fine arts dude..pirates 3...crazy movies...metro....late night terrace sessions.. .barista frappe.... the canal...Jhoom barabar jhoom...long train journey...indian express... He who must not be named...D... godhra pav bhaji..buses...Inox...highways...mad bookshopping....cold coffee...ice tea...more ice tea...the police...11pm city closing time... cyber cafes... butterflies and barbed wires... Peshawari... the tub... room 127... more Wasim bhai...westside...landmark..books... thunder...floods...hugs...holding hands...havmore...mah first smoke...the church...pink oshos... the night at R******...the mad dabba food...sharifa...D again...ticket to hollywood...raag durbari...yeh honsla...
EVERYTHING.
n i must move on...i shall move on....

Coming back to life...

I write often these days...dont I?

As for this place...its changing...with mah cuzin gone n others goin I am prety much on mah own....it should be fun but I am not looking forward to it...
Everytime I have to travel its freakin' expensive n I feel guilty...but then I go to the book shops n the world is a pretty place yet again...
And A V is in town...till god knows when....so I might survive!!!
then again he keeps goin off to meet his frnds.
I should be travelling to the field very soon as well. n thts interesting.
Work is good.hectic.challenging.random.emotional.crazy. but then again that is work!
As for me, I shall have to find ways of keeping myself occupied n fed...its going to be one long month...
I have come to realise this will be the final farewell. The last of this city. The last of the D phase. As much as it hurts to think that this part of me will be gone forever I know it will do me a lot of good.I dont think we will be intouch. I dont think we will talk. I dont think we will ever meet. Its the final few days and as I said I need to move on ....

away.

been working.having loads of fun...
n am I homesick???
well i dont really miss mah family or anyone but yes I miss my room, mah TV n the luxories.....
theres a water shortage where I am staying and thats annoying!
And now theres a 10 30pm curfew too!

Anywayz I met A V again...was all good fun...saw the very first episode of SEX IN THE CITY and I am addicted yet again....

Now I should look for a life for the next two mnths...everyones going away...
*not like I know many ppl here anyways!*
N I found a lending Library so I might survive...yipppeee!!!
now back to work..hahahaha.

the new world.

Exams finished a while ago.juss been so busy and had no net access.
Started mah internship and its fun.
being in a new place on mah own is a brilliant experience.
the washing of clothes,cooking etc is annoyin but otherwise its all good.
And things with D are OVER, totally over.
gave each other 15 days to be together and work it out but apart from the fireworks ntn else is the same...sometimes I wonder y this is like a drug, harmful yet addictive!
But anyways being in the same place but not meeting, talking rarely etc etc shows that we have reached a dead end.
I think this will be the last that I write about him too....Hope we move on well.
And i should be back only in July and its fun.
Working like mad through the day, going for several field visits and then chilling at night on the highway is bliss.
even met A V n had a blast.
This is a new beginning.Its the true step ahead and I needed this eye opener to move ahead.
Now enough.back to work....

crazy exam time

stupid exam time.
i should study.but i don't.
its just one of those things.so much to to but i avoid it,run away from it,sheer ESCAPISM.
and i hope mah plans for the summer work out.*fingers crossed*
apart from that its much the same...
insane work.

looking forward to being alive again.
reading,sleeping, moving out to places,watching movies,shopping, travelling, talking for endless hours on the phone,crazy coffee sessions,meeting up with old friends.

oh let freedom come fast.
OH please!

new beginnings.

Hah.bday over.yet another year gone by.
mad schedules kept.
true friends made.
the stagnation done away with.
fakeness dealt with.
reality accepted.
the path ahead seen.the journey begun....
thats the year in short.

n now the studies,the madness,the years ahead,the options,the indecisions,the singledom,the crazy friends,the subtle likings have all celebrated mah first steps into this new year....
shall make it a point to blog more often...
to face mah fears...
to not let them get the better of me...

words. n. us.

a couple of days back i was talking to a friend on the phone and scribbled down random words from the conversation...it was weird but then i really want to write them here as it all seems really odd but makes so much sense!
i have started scribbling words as i speak to people....and its funny to read yet scary as the whole conversation can be traced based on these random words...but newayz here they are....

"blah.u.dont.shady.respect.environmental.supervisor.earth.2030.stay.
aprilfools day.engine.shock.yes.You.working.people.no.fun.die.In.our.chemical.
engine.know.want.asif.looser.over.body.funny.affects.you.being.bad.so.I.
cant.economic policy ofblah.random.two.earths.burntout.learn.girl.call.
up.braindrain.India.point.book.engineers.disease.overworked.Okay.retaliate.
very.type.scaring.me.fighting.Nirvana.Hindi.happybday.poster.toilet.lost. eeewwww.flush.potty.make.pickle.thankgod.break.beat.myself.ooh.nice.
who.no.ya.wish.scandal.amused.god.retrace.ofcourse.anything.bad.leap.
weeping.Happy.convince.surprised.finally.lunch.alcohol.okay.ya. available.no.friend.serve.drunk.high.mansi.marry.jealous.Happy.cry.
yeay.ya. together.forever.after.not.whatever.copy.nice.accent.
creepy.study.schedule.scarydude.d********.random.coz.him.why.girls.
few.negligible.shyte.freind.shutup.depends.pranav.different.
give.people.although.Yes.distance.used.hmmmm.formal.talk.busy.
occupies. balance.world.effort.option.what.jobhi.me.kabadi.
scary.parents.go.u.dont.not.my.mansi.fcuk.looser.limits.war.fan.
judge.one.thing.say.engineers.shloka.LSR.people.Tu.do.primary.
target.criticise.beyond.words.she.bitchy.attitude.world.superbusy.
relationship.comfortable.life.direct.know.digest.commitment.100%.
vaishnodevi.i.know.phone."

finally

the year is ending...
i should study....get out of this vicious circle...
but things change,people change and we move on.

I am making no sense!!!
but anyways things with D were totally off mah mind and there was no contact whatsoever till he called.I was so surprised and it was pretty okay unlike mah initial fears.
I have come to accept a lot of things in life...I am more confident about who I am, what I like what I don't, who I speak to and have become less self conscious.
The feeling of being judged never goes even now but it has reduced in several ways....

I feel that I should not be judgmental about people and their ways and have decided to take things as they come.I have seen who my true friends are,seen who to trust and be there for.I love u all and u know it.

As the year ends and people move on I just want to thank all those who helped,worked,supported and encouraged me. U r precious.
THANK YOU.

now enough of this senti mess, I should also say I luv mah holiday cum wurk trip n i love the "city".

now more later.....
am confused but i shall move on....

insecurities.....

hmmmm...i quite like the new blogger ...
n ya apart from this things are pretty much the same...
got in touch with mah ex after sooo long...though its all still complicated.
*me n mah stupid ideas*

n ya been on super fun holidays the last few months....was just awzum.
as for otherwise,things with "D" are non existent,u could say i am single again.
I don't know if that is for the best or not,but it is a little scary to think that it ended in such a bizarre manner....

been dying to do so much stuff.read so many books...catch up with so many friends.....but on the other hand i have yet again cut myself off from everyone.
Don't know why i do it,but i did.
Its just my own insecurities...people dont realise them coz i know i hide them well but i know they exist and refuse to let go at times....

change...

I realize things and people change....
Earlier I used to avoid this change...Run away from it...Act like it doesn't exist...But not anymore.
Now I face upto it.
Now I live with it,its a part of me.
Its not bad.
But sometimes I regret not being able to stop things from changing even when I know I can...Even when I know that all that's needed is for me to take that one step.
Some may think I have given up but I know its more than that,its about myself and allowing myself to let go.
Letting go of all that which lay in one deep corner, all that which only I know about.
Its at a level where I don't care about the world or even about close friends and their opinions...It doesn't matter...I have moved on...Or so I think.
anyways on a lighter note....
things are pretty k...
major event is now over n its back to the grind.
hope I am able to cope up ....

Down Under...

just gt back from my holiday down south...was just brilliant....
staying next to the sea is a very different experience altogether...shall go back soon :-)
the places we stayed in were brilliant and thanx to my friend we had a "hip n happening " holiday :-P
was just thinking about how everyone except me got homesick at one point or another...so weird but i am never homesick on trips!!!
n now its back to the grind ...work started in full swing...thank god for diwali a week later though...shall breathe again !!!
I cant

am now scared of writing...

I was bored so I took a handwriting analysis test online. Picked up the idea from another blogger but its accuracy freaqked me out!!!


The Analysis Starts Here *******
J has a healthy relationship to the past and is ready to move on. The right side of the page represents the future and J is ready and willing to get started living now and planning for the future. J would like to leave the past behind and move on.
J has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.
J has a temper. She uses this as a defense mechanism when she doesn't understand how to handle a situation. Temper is a hostile trait used to protect the ego. Temper can be a negative personality trait in the eyes of those around her.
J is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect her ego when she feels hurt. She pokes people harder than she gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.
J is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. J basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.
In reference to J's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When J slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project. She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. J can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.
J will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!
J will demand respect and will expect others to treat her with honor and dignity. J believes in her ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. She has a lot of pride.
J is a very emotional person with a broad range of emotions from the highest highs to the lowest lows. She feels emotional situations very strongly. She'll flash to the very peaks of elation, sweeping everything before her. Then, for some reason unknown to herself, she will burn out emotionally. These mood swings can be very disturbing to her. Sometimes, she feels that she can no longer produce anything. But, after given some time alone to "recharge her emotional batteries", she will spring back into action. Because J feels situations intensely, she relates easily to others' problems. If she is not careful, when she comes into contact with someone who is in a depressed frame of mind, she will also suffer the same emotions and change moods. J reacts impulsively, without much thought before hand. She may plan everything in detail before she even begins, then do it completely different when the time comes to carry it through. J has a strong need for affection. She thrives on touching and being touched. J desires being told that she is loved, every day. She enjoys being the center of attention. She loves attention, sometimes she even retells stories that got her attention earlier. J has the possibility of being a actor or natural born salesperson, simply because she relates so well to other people. She likes expressing how she feels, what she is doing, and what she plans to do. She is a people person. She will work most efficiently in a people orientated job as opposed to a job working alone on an assembly line (that would drive her insane.)
People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, J doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.
J has a desire for attention. People around J will notice this need. She may fulfill this need by a variety of ways depending on her own character.

boredom!

out of sheer boredom!!!

Your Hidden Talent

Your natural talent is interpersonal relations and dealing with people.You communicate well and are able to bring disparate groups together.Your calming presence helps everything go more smoothly.People crave your praise and complements.

What's" Your Hidden Talent?

yet another post....

its almost like this blog has been reduced to juss an monthly update site!!!
nevermind though...since i have been so busy that i havnt had a moment to breathe.
Never thought it would be so hectic.
On the "D" front everything is totally messed and i havt even spoken to "DS" in ages.
I know I should feel really bad about it but its not even on my mind.
I guess things HAVE changed....
I just have to be careful about not neglecting those who genuinely matter.
*scolds self for not keeping intouch*

On a lighter note, college is good fun and things are moving in full swing this week with the BIG celebrations ..
I just love my college friends for their mad ways..and "weeeeaaaa" i must mention ur like the best dancer...
Plans for saturday are on for sure.

Also i have become a blog addict all over again... read so many everyday...
n sleep through the day like in the earlier days.I must get over this habit fast!!!
Now the lights have gone..
ugghhhh
gtg

blabber

So many things have been playing in my mind and I have decided not to avoid them anymore.
There is no one who would understand or not get bored listening to blabber so this is my favorite place...
I have been wondering how long the "other three" will just carry on this way and not take responsibility and completely avoid the problem.
Also with the family things have started to seem fake and I am not sure how long I can be patient...
Apart from this things with OZ are random,I still haven't been able to get myself to explain to him or tell him that its not nice....
*scolds self for not speaking and keeping it all bottled up*
I mean he has to somewhere balance things out and stop neglecting others but then again I guess everyone learns with time.
And yah last week I read an article about low self esteem and thus the fear of rejection which makes a person accept everything without questioning it.This as the article said leads to always being subjected to shit and still tolerating it or being scared of letting it go..It was ironic and completely summed up my life...
I am one of the most confident of people on the outside and people think I am strong and very secure .Let me admit here finally that its not true and that its just a false image which covers up the insecurities,these are not insecurities wrt my abilities but its about people being judgmental and two faced...... Kind of explains things with "D" completely...
I have to learn to let go without making myself vulnerable...
I have to learn to move on without closing people out completely....
I have to learn so much...
I hope I can........

finally....

havnt posted in a month...been like superbusy....
but yeah its been fun....!!!
Anyways i am in a random mood...
n sneezing away....
so no serious updates..
just that i need to sleep..
havnt slept in days!!!
so will try now.
n i have given up on DS.
this time when she left it was just casual.
and with my engineer frnd all is k...tuchwood..
will update extensively soon,wen i get bk frm bombay :-)
tc ppl

Me and my organized self!!

Last few days have been hectic with loads of things happening but the good thing is that the CLASS has materialized so yeay!
I also had a conversation with this random chick in my class about going to Goa ...like I would ever go with her:S
And ya I must mention I like my new "organized" self...with like a million lists to fall back on even though I HATE lists....Its ironic
Also V is coming to Delhi on the 5th...should be fun but then again I haven't met her for years so my fingers are crossed.
Thought I would write a long post....5 days since I last posted but now I don't feel like.
So I wont.
Its just one of those random moods that overtakes the brain and makes me behave like this.
But whatever.
I am happy this way !!!

Its not the same....

I finally decided to meet "DS" after almost an year. I knew I was avoiding it as I have a random habit of fearing the worst.....I was trying to run away from this but I guess facing it was the best option.
I realized that its very possible for people to drift apart.
The fear is kind of turning into reality.
I have moved on in life,things which are important to me have also changed and everytime I try living like nothings changed I feel like a hypocrite, am not kidding ..Its very much the way things are...
You must be wondering where this has come from all of a sudden..Well today after meeting "DS" I realized that despite calling her my best friend and stuff its not really the case.Yes I agree she is the only person that I have ever opened up with and never with others but tell me is opening up about random things all that the friendship is about.It just happens during the same few months and then its yet another year of not really talking and acting like its okay. Even if it is that way then why is it that it is something which again makes me feel like a hypocrite.
Today while sitting with her I realized that I was not genuine. I was really happy for her as she found someone she really likes and all and its not that I don't care about things like that but is that all there is and nothing else ?
All that is important but I cant relate to it.
I am sure its about me and the way I have changed......
I could see it coming and that's why I was afraid...Not afraid of who I am (not at all)...Just afraid of loosing people who knew the earlier me and yet I know I will not go back to the old me as this is what I am comfortable being.
I have learnt to deal with this kind of thing for several years but when you see it coming between someone you are close to it just hits u hard....
I guess I have to deal with issues...
I guess I have to be more open and genuine yet respect others ways too...
but not at the cost of being a hypocrite or this dilemma will never end.
I have to face my weaknesses someday...

I guess I have to deal with reality and not run away from it...I have to accept the fact that people change and thus friendships evolve and take new turns and twists and at each level I should learn..But its not easy...Its really not easy but I might even loose people otherwise so I keep trying as usual..

SOMEDAY THOUGH I WILL LIVE AS THE REAL ME.......SOMEDAY....

Freedom Express

Its been a while since I told you whats been up with me...
Its officialy freedom week.
Work in college has begun but that apart I actually moved my ass and did something a weee bit more productive, i went for a one day cookery class,beat that!My friends think i have completely lost it but trust me it was fun.
I met up with "light " and she stayed over one day.Went late at night to PVR randomly, dont ask me y coz i dont know! Otherwise i have been taking it easy and decided to lie back a while apart from meeting "DS" which has still not materialised despite her being in town for 4 days already.I know u'll kill me and that i am a random best friend but everyones just so caught up. Though you cant entirely blame me as you too are soo preoccupied madam

I also have several orkut invites... must be useful and do something with them one day.
* scolds self for being disinterested*

By the way i spoke to my ANGEL J (refer to earlier post on 'my angel' !) and she apparently isnt joining Shrishti but going to Paris next year instead. I must say that sounds exotic!!
If any of you borrowed my Nirvana Collection CD return it NOW....varna....
just kidding but please give it back asap or tell me that its with u....
*ticks off self for suffering from temporary memory loss*

Time flies...more coming up...

being yourself....why does society make it so difficult?

I have been thinking about several things over the last few days and finally decided to pen at least one down.I wonder why people land up doing so many things in life, which they are not interested in. I mean why do so many people who join engineering institutes come out hating their subject and their line of study. Why are they forced into it in the first place? Or is it a conscious decision on their part?
I sometimes wonder why people have these stereotypes for everything in life?

"A "stereotype" is a generalization about a person or group of persons. We develop stereotypes when we are unable or unwilling to obtain all of the information we would need to make fair judgments about people or situations. In the absence of the "total picture," stereotypes in many cases allow us to "fill in the blanks." Our society often innocently creates and perpetuates stereotypes, but these stereotypes often lead to unfair discrimination and persecution when the stereotype is unfavorable."

The trend of stereotyping people based on what they do is horrid. These stereotypes lead people into a domain where they go to any extent to “fit in”.
It makes me sick to have to watch my friends fight internal battles with themselves because they are doing things they don’t want to.
It’s not only related to engineering (that was just an example) but to everything in life.
Why do so many people irrespective of how old they are give into these typecasts and stereotypes?
Look at my class in college, most of the people don’t even like the course one bit but have joined, as it is one of the best colleges in the country. They don’t comprehend how some of us were hell bent on this or nothing else. For them the thought of fitting into fixed boxes of thinking is the final aim even without realizing it.
Its not like I hate these people but feel bad for those who have believed every word told to them without thinking for themselves…without broadening their horizons.
I understand that all factors together influence who a person is finally but this cant take away from the fact that there are enough people who can think for themselves and believe in what they think is right instead of always depending on others.
I am not denying that advice is a good thing. That can never be refuted all I am saying is that guidance and advice is not absolute and has to be adhered to keeping in mind its consequences and context. People have to move beyond their own little, safe cocoons and learn to stop judging others based on what they think is acceptable and what is not.
This may sound like one arbit and lengthy post but its more to salute all those people in my life who have taught me listen and learn from others but also to think for myself.
And to this friend of mine who plans to drop out of The BEST law school in the country and do what he really wants to and not what other want from him. In the sense that its about time he moves instead of flunking there and making a mess out of his life…. Though I hope it’s a well thought out decision.

I dont know how others feel about this stereotyping and the consequence of it being so many unhappy people stuck in places and situations that they hate but it definitely disturbs me to see it like this.

yeay for the VISITOR!!!

hahahah
my first comment from an unknown person...finally....yeay!....though just to clarify to him...i am not who he thinks i am...i havnt even heard of her ever....

Anywayz i am now totally chilled and waiting for everyone to leave ...
Imagine this kind of freedom!!!
And as of the last few days this random person has been calling me up.Its freaky!!!
All this still cant dampen my spirit and you know y...:-)
As for D,he mailed today but it was very impersonal,but atleast he mailed.
just as i was planning to write a lonnnggg post cousins come...
so will be back..

me....

need someone to talk to... or else this is going to eat me up. i try n be happy all the time... atleast i pretend to be... i have nothing to look foward to... each day i live is a burden on me. and its funny i should say that cos im only 19. i could say im independant and dont need anyone.
i could say i can stand up for myself. i could say i feel nothing for D. i could say "DS" is my best friend and someone i can depend on. i could say i love my dad to bits. i could say im single and happy. i could say i have a great bunch of friends. i could say i wana live a hundered years cos my life is so perfect... i could say all of that and more, but all i would be doing is lying to myself.
and i dont understand why i would lie here. this is one place i should be true to myself. but im not... im afraid to face my darkest fears... i need to belong, need to be loved, need to be cared for, need someone to want me and need someone who cant live without me. need someone who i can trust...need someone i can confide in..need someone to listen to me..
in search of my angel, in search of a friend, in search of a soulmate... will my search ever end?thats the questiong i ask myself everyday... will my search end? is there someone out there for me? someone who i can believe in? i seem to be such a cheerful person, that no one would ever know how intense i am. infact it scares me how intense i could be sometimes.. it scares me how ferociously over protectived and jealous i can get bout the people i love. it scares me cos i have the ability in me to do something so stupid...that i could end up hurting a lot of people. i have it in me to hurt myself physically...so i can get rid of the pain thats built up inside of me.
i try and set everyones lives straight.....but isnt there anyone who would help me straighten out my life? its very frustrating...it hurts..and i dont know what i can do to stop this pain. i cry silently each night and i dont even know why i do it. i promise myself that i will not confide in anyone, cos i know i have backstabbers for friends. but then i do need someone to talk to right? how much can i ramble to a computer screen? where is my angel?? where is my friend? where is my soulmate?will my search ever end?

idle me!!

Its been one hectic week....
I managed to finally go to Sarojini Nagar last sunday n ya got those amazing chappals as well:)
Been to Humayuns tomb,Jantar Mantar n Rajghat n I feel like a proper tourist!!!!
I went to Chandigarh this week too and each time I go I fall in love with the city...Its just so well laid out,organized yet easy to figure...Not to forget my eternal love for punjabis!!!
Finally the Jingbang is all gone and I managed to enjoy a peaceful dinner at Bigchill last night with friends....
And ya exactly a week before freedom and parents going...brother left on the 1st :-)
N ya I have been reading like so much stuff.... from rubbish to heavy reading I love it all.

I have also been reading several blogs in the past few days and must add the links here...
u guys hav to check them out could be published as books...
http://cloudkhizzy.blogspot.com/ its a Pakistani design students blog...
http://exgfproject.blogspot.com/ its a proper autobiography of this guys love life
rest of the links later...read these for now.
Talking of books can someone tell me which book has Kaavya V has plagiarised from??
And suggest some chickflicks that can be read or seen...
need to pass time :-P