Thursday, May 18, 2006

Me and my organized self!!

Last few days have been hectic with loads of things happening but the good thing is that the CLASS has materialized so yeay!
I also had a conversation with this random chick in my class about going to Goa ...like I would ever go with her:S
And ya I must mention I like my new "organized" self...with like a million lists to fall back on even though I HATE lists....Its ironic
Also V is coming to Delhi on the 5th...should be fun but then again I haven't met her for years so my fingers are crossed.
Thought I would write a long post....5 days since I last posted but now I don't feel like.
So I wont.
Its just one of those random moods that overtakes the brain and makes me behave like this.
But whatever.
I am happy this way !!!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Its not the same....

I finally decided to meet "DS" after almost an year. I knew I was avoiding it as I have a random habit of fearing the worst.....I was trying to run away from this but I guess facing it was the best option.
I realized that its very possible for people to drift apart.
The fear is kind of turning into reality.
I have moved on in life,things which are important to me have also changed and everytime I try living like nothings changed I feel like a hypocrite, am not kidding ..Its very much the way things are...
You must be wondering where this has come from all of a sudden..Well today after meeting "DS" I realized that despite calling her my best friend and stuff its not really the case.Yes I agree she is the only person that I have ever opened up with and never with others but tell me is opening up about random things all that the friendship is about.It just happens during the same few months and then its yet another year of not really talking and acting like its okay. Even if it is that way then why is it that it is something which again makes me feel like a hypocrite.
Today while sitting with her I realized that I was not genuine. I was really happy for her as she found someone she really likes and all and its not that I don't care about things like that but is that all there is and nothing else ?
All that is important but I cant relate to it.
I am sure its about me and the way I have changed......
I could see it coming and that's why I was afraid...Not afraid of who I am (not at all)...Just afraid of loosing people who knew the earlier me and yet I know I will not go back to the old me as this is what I am comfortable being.
I have learnt to deal with this kind of thing for several years but when you see it coming between someone you are close to it just hits u hard....
I guess I have to deal with issues...
I guess I have to be more open and genuine yet respect others ways too...
but not at the cost of being a hypocrite or this dilemma will never end.
I have to face my weaknesses someday...

I guess I have to deal with reality and not run away from it...I have to accept the fact that people change and thus friendships evolve and take new turns and twists and at each level I should learn..But its not easy...Its really not easy but I might even loose people otherwise so I keep trying as usual..

SOMEDAY THOUGH I WILL LIVE AS THE REAL ME.......SOMEDAY....

Freedom Express

Its been a while since I told you whats been up with me...
Its officialy freedom week.
Work in college has begun but that apart I actually moved my ass and did something a weee bit more productive, i went for a one day cookery class,beat that!My friends think i have completely lost it but trust me it was fun.
I met up with "light " and she stayed over one day.Went late at night to PVR randomly, dont ask me y coz i dont know! Otherwise i have been taking it easy and decided to lie back a while apart from meeting "DS" which has still not materialised despite her being in town for 4 days already.I know u'll kill me and that i am a random best friend but everyones just so caught up. Though you cant entirely blame me as you too are soo preoccupied madam

I also have several orkut invites... must be useful and do something with them one day.
* scolds self for being disinterested*

By the way i spoke to my ANGEL J (refer to earlier post on 'my angel' !) and she apparently isnt joining Shrishti but going to Paris next year instead. I must say that sounds exotic!!
If any of you borrowed my Nirvana Collection CD return it NOW....varna....
just kidding but please give it back asap or tell me that its with u....
*ticks off self for suffering from temporary memory loss*

Time flies...more coming up...

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

being yourself....why does society make it so difficult?

I have been thinking about several things over the last few days and finally decided to pen at least one down.I wonder why people land up doing so many things in life, which they are not interested in. I mean why do so many people who join engineering institutes come out hating their subject and their line of study. Why are they forced into it in the first place? Or is it a conscious decision on their part?
I sometimes wonder why people have these stereotypes for everything in life?

"A "stereotype" is a generalization about a person or group of persons. We develop stereotypes when we are unable or unwilling to obtain all of the information we would need to make fair judgments about people or situations. In the absence of the "total picture," stereotypes in many cases allow us to "fill in the blanks." Our society often innocently creates and perpetuates stereotypes, but these stereotypes often lead to unfair discrimination and persecution when the stereotype is unfavorable."

The trend of stereotyping people based on what they do is horrid. These stereotypes lead people into a domain where they go to any extent to “fit in”.
It makes me sick to have to watch my friends fight internal battles with themselves because they are doing things they don’t want to.
It’s not only related to engineering (that was just an example) but to everything in life.
Why do so many people irrespective of how old they are give into these typecasts and stereotypes?
Look at my class in college, most of the people don’t even like the course one bit but have joined, as it is one of the best colleges in the country. They don’t comprehend how some of us were hell bent on this or nothing else. For them the thought of fitting into fixed boxes of thinking is the final aim even without realizing it.
Its not like I hate these people but feel bad for those who have believed every word told to them without thinking for themselves…without broadening their horizons.
I understand that all factors together influence who a person is finally but this cant take away from the fact that there are enough people who can think for themselves and believe in what they think is right instead of always depending on others.
I am not denying that advice is a good thing. That can never be refuted all I am saying is that guidance and advice is not absolute and has to be adhered to keeping in mind its consequences and context. People have to move beyond their own little, safe cocoons and learn to stop judging others based on what they think is acceptable and what is not.
This may sound like one arbit and lengthy post but its more to salute all those people in my life who have taught me listen and learn from others but also to think for myself.
And to this friend of mine who plans to drop out of The BEST law school in the country and do what he really wants to and not what other want from him. In the sense that its about time he moves instead of flunking there and making a mess out of his life…. Though I hope it’s a well thought out decision.

I dont know how others feel about this stereotyping and the consequence of it being so many unhappy people stuck in places and situations that they hate but it definitely disturbs me to see it like this.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

yeay for the VISITOR!!!

hahahah
my first comment from an unknown person...finally....yeay!....though just to clarify to him...i am not who he thinks i am...i havnt even heard of her ever....

Anywayz i am now totally chilled and waiting for everyone to leave ...
Imagine this kind of freedom!!!
And as of the last few days this random person has been calling me up.Its freaky!!!
All this still cant dampen my spirit and you know y...:-)
As for D,he mailed today but it was very impersonal,but atleast he mailed.
just as i was planning to write a lonnnggg post cousins come...
so will be back..

Friday, May 05, 2006

me....

need someone to talk to... or else this is going to eat me up. i try n be happy all the time... atleast i pretend to be... i have nothing to look foward to... each day i live is a burden on me. and its funny i should say that cos im only 19. i could say im independant and dont need anyone.
i could say i can stand up for myself. i could say i feel nothing for D. i could say "DS" is my best friend and someone i can depend on. i could say i love my dad to bits. i could say im single and happy. i could say i have a great bunch of friends. i could say i wana live a hundered years cos my life is so perfect... i could say all of that and more, but all i would be doing is lying to myself.
and i dont understand why i would lie here. this is one place i should be true to myself. but im not... im afraid to face my darkest fears... i need to belong, need to be loved, need to be cared for, need someone to want me and need someone who cant live without me. need someone who i can trust...need someone i can confide in..need someone to listen to me..
in search of my angel, in search of a friend, in search of a soulmate... will my search ever end?thats the questiong i ask myself everyday... will my search end? is there someone out there for me? someone who i can believe in? i seem to be such a cheerful person, that no one would ever know how intense i am. infact it scares me how intense i could be sometimes.. it scares me how ferociously over protectived and jealous i can get bout the people i love. it scares me cos i have the ability in me to do something so stupid...that i could end up hurting a lot of people. i have it in me to hurt myself physically...so i can get rid of the pain thats built up inside of me.
i try and set everyones lives straight.....but isnt there anyone who would help me straighten out my life? its very frustrating...it hurts..and i dont know what i can do to stop this pain. i cry silently each night and i dont even know why i do it. i promise myself that i will not confide in anyone, cos i know i have backstabbers for friends. but then i do need someone to talk to right? how much can i ramble to a computer screen? where is my angel?? where is my friend? where is my soulmate?will my search ever end?

idle me!!

Its been one hectic week....
I managed to finally go to Sarojini Nagar last sunday n ya got those amazing chappals as well:)
Been to Humayuns tomb,Jantar Mantar n Rajghat n I feel like a proper tourist!!!!
I went to Chandigarh this week too and each time I go I fall in love with the city...Its just so well laid out,organized yet easy to figure...Not to forget my eternal love for punjabis!!!
Finally the Jingbang is all gone and I managed to enjoy a peaceful dinner at Bigchill last night with friends....
And ya exactly a week before freedom and parents going...brother left on the 1st :-)
N ya I have been reading like so much stuff.... from rubbish to heavy reading I love it all.

I have also been reading several blogs in the past few days and must add the links here...
u guys hav to check them out could be published as books...
http://cloudkhizzy.blogspot.com/ its a Pakistani design students blog...
http://exgfproject.blogspot.com/ its a proper autobiography of this guys love life
rest of the links later...read these for now.
Talking of books can someone tell me which book has Kaavya V has plagiarised from??
And suggest some chickflicks that can be read or seen...
need to pass time :-P
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